Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Goodbye, 2013.

I keep forgetting that it's New Years Eve. I've never been big into holidays except for Valentines Day and occasionally Christmas. Christmas had been hard the last few years but this year it was exciting again, being the first one as a family.

Today I had some alone time and someone had just wished me a "Happy New Years Eve!" so it was on my mind, the last year. Every year brings a lot of "change" and "amazing things" but getting married and having a baby are especially high on the charts, both of which I did. As I started to compose a Facebook post to add to the lot about what a great year it's been, I felt like a fraud. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. And not to say that marrying Charlie and having Finn aren't blessings, because of course they are, but I think a lot of that joy will be reaped in later years. This year we had to sow.

The truth is that it's hard to get married and have a baby three months later. Especially a high need, fussy baby like Finnegan (he has mellowed out GREATLY PTL!). But the first three months of his life contained some of the most challenging moments of mine. Going through a horrible labor, postpartum anxiety and insomnia, nursing problems, thrush, sleeping problems… And then after that a hoard of personal and financial problems for us… which spiraled Charlie into a depression… which caused our marriage to snowball into a dark place. You get the idea. While all of this is going on I've also been dealing with serious family problems including having my brother arrested and going to the hospital with both my parents. There is so much to process and heal from that has occurred this year.

But one thing that is standing out to me is this, and it may sound silly, but I realize that I became a woman this year.

Here I was, thinking I already was when I realize nope, at this time last year I was still a girl. There were times this year when things were so stressful I wanted to throw in the towel and give up but instead have persisted for my family. When I've actually turned to others and God for guidance and help instead of trying to muscle through everything on my own. And that doesn't even touch on the sacrifices that I've made in becoming a mother.

All of these things have collectively grown me and aged me. In a good way, I think. And not because of my own will, but because I have searched and sought out God through everything. Not once did I blame him like I had in the past, not once did I hide from him out of shame. But instead I knew that he was the answer, and at times he was my only hope, the only one not disappointing me.

Thank you, Lord, for walking with me through every step of this year. Thank you for your faithfulness and your unwavering strength. I am so thankful that you have a will and purpose for my life. I know that you will bring healing to the broken parts of my life and work them out for my good, just as you have every hardship that I faced this year. Help me to keep my sights set on heavenly things, not fleeting, earthly concerns. Help me to remain faithful to honor you, my husband, and my son.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Five months.


I can't believe our little bear is five months old today. Blessed are the people who tell you over and over how fast it goes, because it really does and you better soak it up. Sometimes I look at Finn while he's sitting up in his high chair eating big boy food and think 'Weren't you just a newborn?' Yet at the same time, I can't for the life of me remember what he looked like then.


Some of his favorite things recently are…

-Food! He has only been getting baby food for the last few days, but  now whenever he is in his high chair and we have food he wants it. Like really wants it. So far he is getting sweet potatoes, carrots, applesauce, and bananas.

-Napping. This kid gets a little more awesome everyday. He has finally started napping better, the last thing to go is the night time sleep! He still wakes up at least 3 times a night (but usually more like 5!)

-Playing with his toes.

-Saying "Ba ba ba ba ba" with a very serious tone, it really sounds like he is talking to someone.

-His new exersaucer that we got him for Christmas (and of course gave to him early)

-Scooching around the living room on his belly, he will probably be crawling in no time.

-Riding in his stroller like a big boy, this kid loves to shop!

And his least favorite thing this month has been his two bottom teeth coming in. We can see and feel the little bumps but aren't sure when they are finally going to break through!


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Somewhere along the line.

After carrying you for 9+ months and delivering you for 35 hours

Through the nights when you would rather be up than soaking up sleep

While trying understand your ever pressing needs that I don't seem to understand

And helping you explore the world in my arms.

Somewhere along the line

When I lay you down to sleep

and there are sweet potatoes on the floor

and in my hair

and on my sheets

and my back is sore

and you are properly covered in kisses

you made a mom out of me.



Thursday, November 7, 2013

Tiny Batman

First off I want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to read Finn's birth story, it had nearly 400 views! I was so surprised at the number of people who told me they cried while reading it. I read a lot of birth stories when I was pregnant and I always cried, but I thought that was because I was pregnant HA. But I'm glad that everyone enjoyed reading it. I hope that anyone who is out there and planning a natural labor would take heart.

Last week was Finnegans very first Halloween. We actually have a hunch that he was conceived on Halloween (tmi? Sorry…), it's crazy to think that he has been in our lives for a year now, and we didn't even know it! Charlie worked really hard on making his Halloween costume. I have no shame in admitting that he is DEFINITELY the crafty parent. I am the photo taking parent. Actually we both are, crap. Well I'm the breastfeeding-wake up in the middle of the night-gave birth to you parent :-)










He was so pooped after trick-or-treating! 



Monday, October 28, 2013

Finnegan's Birth Story

The story of Finn's birth really lasts a whole week, so this post will be long, but I will try to break it up into sections for the sake of the reader.

Induction

Sunday, July 14th (Ten days before due date)

At 38.5 weeks pregnant, I was feeling normal with no signs of labor starting anytime soon. I had what I thought might be my first "real" (aka painful) contractions a few days before while Charlie and I were walking home from the store, but they faded away and I didn't get my hopes up. On Sunday morning around 10 am I woke up and felt myself leaking a little bit down there. This was normal albeit uncomfortable so I hopped up to go to the bathroom. On my short trip across the hall I realized this was NOT normal and liquid started gushing out of me. After falling into a puddle on the bathroom floor I exclaimed to Charlie, "My water just broke!"

He sleepily leaned on the bathroom doorway, "What does this mean?"
"It means I'm going to go into labor soon!"

We excitedly called Loren, our midwife, who told me that my labor should start within 24 hours, and to rest and eat lots while we waited for contractions to start, so we did just that for the next few hours. Charlie was scheduled to lead worship at church that night, so by the time the evening rolled around and nothing had happened, he went ahead with his plans. I met up with him later after walking nearly two miles trying to get things going. My mom came up later that night, and she was hopeful that my contractions would pick up in the middle of the night. I didn't feel any different though, and I didn't have a lot of faith that they would.

Monday, July 15th

The next morning when still nothing had happened, we went into the birth center so Loren could try some natural methods of induction. She did a really good membrane sweep (one of the most painful things I've ever experienced) and wrote me a prescription for some natural herbs for me to take that induce labor. At 2pm we picked up the herbs and walked around our neighborhood for nearly an hour, we also tried some nipple stimulation using my breast pump. After taking the herbs regularly for five hours and no contractions, our final step was to try castor oil. Loren originally said if I had not started labor that night that we should go into the hospital, but she gave us until 8am the next morning instead. That night we went to bed with our hopes dwindling.

Labor Begins

Tuesday, July 16th

Tuesday morning was solemn. All of our hopes, planning, and preparation for a natural birth at the birth center was about to be all for nothing. I had to call Loren at 8am to check in. We were all up early and packing for the hospital and getting ourselves ready. I was in the bathroom, probably finishing up my makeup or something, when I felt a cramp. I checked my phone, it was 7:59am. I told my mom and Charlie, but I really didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. I could already see the light and joy back on Charlie's face though. I had a few more over the next 20 minutes, so I called Loren and told her I thought they were starting. She was also relieved, and told me to keep in touch throughout the day.

We decided to go down to Golden Gardens and walk to keep the momentum going.

My mom snapped a photo of us as we started our walk. 

We walked for probably an hour, my contractions were definitely consistent but for the most part I could talk through them. We went home for a little while to regroup, then headed to the Northgate Mall to meet up with our friends Sean and Kara and keep walking.


My contractions tapered off and then on again. We had lunch and by the time we were leaving I was needing to lean on Charlie for support through my contractions. When we got home my contractions were getting regular and more painful. Charlie and I laid down and timed them for about an hour, they were increasing to about 4 minutes apart. Around 3pm we decided we should head over to the birth center before rush hour. It took us nearly an hour to get there, and during the drive my contractions were between 1-3 minutes apart.

We settled in for a few hours at the birth center, and my contractions spaced out a bit.







Charlie and I got into the birthing tub, which felt nice. After getting out Loren checked my cervix. I told her I didn't want to know how dilated I was because I didn't want to feel discouraged if it wasn't very much. She told Charlie though, and I quickly changed my mind and wanted to know. He was hesitant, but told me I was at 4cm. We spent the rest of the night working through contractions in various positions. I really favored sitting on the birthing ball and leaning onto the bed. Lying down on my side was the worst and most painful position. At my 38 week appointment she thought Finnegan was probably posterior (facing my belly instead of my spine) so we tried some positions to encourage him to turn. Because he was posterior I started having back labor, the pain was worse in my back than in my uterus with each contraction. Eventually Charlie had to push on my back, hips, and butt through every contraction.

Over the next few hours they became more painful and I became a lot more worn down. I began to feel like I had the flu, I was tired and felt weak, I had the chills and just felt awful all over. Loren checked me twice more, the second time around 3am and she suggested we try to walk around and lunge/squat a little bit. I felt so discouraged when she said that, I felt like I could hardly make it through them sitting down, and now she wanted me to work harder. I held onto Charlie and tried to walk and quickly burst into tears. I began sobbing and he just held me and we slowly walked out into the lobby of the birth center and back. He told me that if I didn't progress after this that we would probably have to go to the hospital, that this was our last chance.

When we came back into the room I had to sit back down. I told Loren that I couldn't keep doing this if I wasn't progressing. She told me that I still hadn't progressed passed 5cm. At this point I had been in labor for 20 hours. She said she thought it would be wise for me to transfer to the hospital and get an epidural, that it might help relax my pelvis and Finn might drop down more (since his head was still a couple inches above my cervix). She assured us that things like an epidural and pitocin were more appropriate tools at this point and they could really help me. Charlie, my mom, and I took a few minutes to talk about it and we all agreed that we should go.

Wednesday, July 17th 

We arrived at Group Health around 5am and were immediately placed in a birthing suite. Within two hours I had an epidural. At this point both Charlie and I felt defeated, discouraged, and scared. While I was relieved to have a break from the pain, I felt like we were dangerously on the edge. Here I had been with my water broken for three days, and in labor for almost 24 hours, and it still seemed that Finn was not ready to come out. I am glad though, that out of all the hospitals I was able to go to Group Health. The midwives and nurses there were wonderful. They read over our birth plan and listened to what was most important to us. They told us they were already huge advocates for skin to skin, and all of our other requests would be met without hesitation.

After letting my epidural set in for about an hour, my contractions had weakened, which is normal. They started me out with the lowest dose of pitocin, as we told them we would like to take that as slow as possible. They increased it in small amounts until my contractions were regular and close together. They let us rest for a while and did not seem in a very big hurry to push my labor along, which was fine with us. By that afternoon I had only dilated to 7cm. Lynda, our new midwife, suggested that we break my second bag of waters as a last resort to get Finn down onto my cervix. She also inserted a uterine catheter to measure the strength of my contractions, to see if they were even strong enough to push him out. She said if this didn't work, that he was likely too big for me to deliver him vaginally. After seeing that my contractions weren't indeed strong enough, they increased my pitocin again for a few hours. At this point I thought we were heading for a C-Section. This was our last resort, and I just didn't have the hope anymore.

At 5pm she came back to check me again, and she said I was fully dilated. Once again I saw joy light up Charlie's face. I was in a very weird place though. After laboring naturally for so long, having the drugs was such a strange and foreign thing. I didn't feel like I was doing anything, I was just laying there, and the drugs were delivering my baby. They came back in a little while and asked me if I was ready to push. I didn't really feel any different, it was just the strangest thing to think I was just going to open up my legs and push a baby out.

But nonetheless we started pushing. Everyone was very encouraging and kept telling me I was doing a great job, and that Finn would be here in no time. But then Finn's heart rate started increasing, so they started giving me oxygen in between contractions. Then the thing that we had avoided all this time finally happened, I got a fever which meant I had developed an infection from my water being broken for so long. They informed us that this meant Finn would have to go to the special nursery after delivery and would need to be observed for 48 hours. All of this was being told to me while I was pushing and was very overwhelming and upsetting. At this point I just shut down. I was angry and disappointed and I didn't want to talk to anyone. Soon the obstetrician came in and the room was filled with people. They told me they wanted to try a vacuum since Finn was having a hard time getting under my pubic bone. Because of the fever and his increasing heart rate, they wanted to get him out quicker. I felt like everything was so out of my control, I didn't know how we finally ended up in this place, but I knew we just had to do what we had to do. The whole experience was so different from what I had always imagined. Here I was, numb, being given contractions by a drug, with a man pulling my baby out via a cord, and a team of doctors there to take him away after he was born. After some more pushing and a lot of pulling on the doctors part, Finn was finally born. He was crying so they placed him on my chest for a minute. I looked into his beautiful dark eyes and told him what a good job he was doing at crying. After they cleaned him and bundled him up they brought him back and I held him for a few minutes. He laid there so quietly and just stared at me as I talked to him. Charlie came to my side and started talking to him and Finn looked at him too. But then they took him upstairs. And after I was finished getting stitched up for what felt like twenty minutes, suddenly the room was empty and I was alone.

------

It is really hard for me to go on writing past this point. At the time, I thought I was fine. I was upset that I didn't get to be with Finn and Charlie, but after nearly two days of everything going wrong and constantly changing, by that time I had forgotten what I expected the hours after his birth to be like. After not sleeping for that long either, I think I was surviving off of a lot of adrenaline and other hormones, which was not really allowing me to feel a lot of emotions. It's only now that I look back and feel a lot of grief and sadness that I didn't get to be with Finn for six hours after he was born.



------

Thursday, July 18

It took me a long time to feel okay enough to go up to the nursery to see Finn after delivery. After letting my epidural wear off, I had such a bad headache that it took me hours just to be able to sit up in bed. Once I finally tried standing I nearly fainted, then the second time my blood pressure was too high. I wasn't able to go to the bathroom (like, I couldn't feel the sensation). All of these things made me have to stay in my room longer. Finally around midnight I had had enough. I stood up and lied to my nurse and told her I felt fine, even though I felt faint. Finally she and Charlie wheeled me up to the nursery, where I finally got to hold Finn and feed him for the first time. I was so tired that I honestly don't remember much about that night, I imagine we stayed up there for a few hours, then went back down to my room to sleep. After about 3 or 4 hours of sleep they called us back up to feed Finn.




















The next two days were a blur. We spent most of the day in the nursery with Finn and then would try to go back to our room to sleep occasionally. Looking back, I was having a lot of anxiety about leaving him alone, and therefore I didn't sleep probably more than 8 hours total over the three days we were in the hospital. I was so frustrated because everyone (the nurses, doctors, my family) kept telling me I needed to rest, but Finn was so fussy and wanted to nurse so often. On top of that was the stress of not knowing if he was okay or not. They ran blood tests on him each morning because of little complications here and there. He was hooked up to so many machines with wires that were going off constantly. He also had a really hard time latching on and staying awake during feedings which made him constantly fussy. I had so much leftover fluid in me (my feet and legs were so swollen that I could barely bend them at the knee) that my milk delayed in coming in.



Finally released from the hospital on Saturday, July 20th

All of these things made the following weeks so hard. It took me a long time to feel physically okay. I couldn't sleep for ten days. You know that feeling when you almost get in a car accident and your body releases a burst of adrenaline and your heart starts racing? I felt that all day, everyday, for ten days. It was one of the scariest things I have ever gone through in my life. It messed with me to the point where I wouldn't even try to sleep anymore, because laying down and not falling asleep scared me. I panicked. I feared I would never sleep again and I wouldn't be able to take care of Finnegan and we would both die.

Hormones y'all. No joke.

I prayed constantly and eventually God answered my prayers. Even after I physically started feeling better, it was still a long road mentally and emotionally. But I can say happily after 3.5 months, I am my normal happy self :)




Monday, July 8, 2013

Are you the church?

It's no secret that our calling (our JOB) as Christians is to love people, share the gospel with those who do not yet believe, and build up communities with fellow believers. I don't know about you, but to me the task of witnessing to the world as Jesus commanded me to seems quite daunting. But no matter how  introverted or new at Christianity you are, there is one thing you can do that can be the difference in someone joining your church or not: you can make them feel welcome.

Maybe this person is a new Christian and coming to church for the first time. The whole experience can be confusing, which often times us "veterans" can forget since we have been singing "Jesus Loves Me" since we could coo. Find this person, introduce yourself, have them over for dinner, get to know them, be their friend. You just became another reason for them to come to church and a safe place for them to ask questions.

Or maybe this person is a former Christian who has been away from God and/or the church for a period of time. This person can often have an even harder time coming back to church. They are worried about opening about their life, being judged, or even just being questioned. Love this person, let them know that they are welcomed back with open arms, find out how you can serve them and pray for them. You just demolished the lies that Satan put in their head that has been keeping them from coming back.

If you can, imagine your brother/sister/parents/best friend lives in a different town and falls into one of these categories. Show new people at your church the hospitality you hope would be shown to them.

After all, we're not just a part of the church, we are the church.


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

35 Weeks

A side note before I start: I'm going to chalk my last post up to a few days of built up hormones and poor prayer. The next day I spent the morning praying and asking God to take all of burdens from me and he has TOTALLY answered my prayers. I am feeling much better now :-)

I feel like we are at the beginning of the end, and I couldn't be happier. It seems so surreal to be saying goodbye to pregnancy soon. Since November 23, it has been my whole life. It's weird to think about wearing normal clothes again, it's weird to think about being able bodied and having my strength back, it's going to be weird not having everything I do or eat affect my growing baby. You seriously go through a complete mind and body adjustment when you are pregnant, nothing is the same. And now, it's all going to be done with.

On another side note, I would personally like to thank the five hundred people who have told me that I don't look like I'm ready to have a baby and who have commented on how tiny I am. It has made me realize how much we need to compliment each other more, it is such an easy blessing to give to someone!

Right now we are on "vacation" since Charlie just finished his spring quarter at the Art Institute and has two weeks before summer quarter starts. We have been planning out for a while how we would spend this break, and it has already been a very productive week. We have a ton of things on our "to-do" list that includes so many things, from selling a car to creating a paper filing system.

We decided to spend last weekend down at my parents house to take advantage of their patio space to sand and paint a bunch of wooden picture frames that we have been collecting at garage sales and thrift stores. We are also going to sand and stain some crates from Michael's (yes, hopping on this Pinterest train!) that we will be using as storage in our bathroom. On Sunday we also had a joint family baby shower with my sister since she is also expecting in September! It was a huge celebration and we were so blessed by the dozens of family members that came and the gifts they bestowed onto us. Now that our showers are out of the way, we have a pretty clear view of what is left that we need to get for baby over the next month. Yesterday we went to an amazing consignment store up the road and got most of the things left on our list. It seems so weird that we have pretty much everything we need. Carseat, stroller, swing, baby carrier... Are we really all prepared?

Monday, June 10, 2013

Why I'm not looking forward to the next six weeks.

I have heard every pregnant woman I have ever talked to give the "I'm ready" speech, so I knew this time would come, but oh I wish I could find a way to get over these feelings. (Ya know, other than the fact that... I HAVE TO.) Here are my reasons for hoping that the next month and a half will FLY by!

1. I miss my husband.

This one almost doesn't make sense because I'm sure having a newborn and being sleep deprived isn't really going to spark up our romance, but I am just so darn tired of how irritable my hormones are making me. Again, I know it will most likely still be this way after delivery, I'm just looking five months down the road here...

2. I've got the pre-baby blues.

I'm terrified, anxious, excited, impatient, bored, unmotivated... the list goes on. Part of me just wants this baby here NOW, but the other part of me is SO SCARED for postpartum life. I am confident that once I hold my son in my arms, most of these emotions will seem so trivial and the joy will overwhelm me.

3. I am tired of being tired.

I have no energy or motivation. Charlie has been amazing and taking over a lot of the cooking and cleaning, which makes me feel awful! I have so much free time but no desire to do anything productive with it.

4. I don't want to gain anymore weight.

I know, I know, I'm such a hypocrite after writing this post a few weeks ago. But I have officially let myself go and am just riding it out until the end. I have gained as much weight as is "recommended" for pregnancy, and anymore will be excess that I don't need.

5. IM TIRED OF PEOPLE STARING AT ME!

Okay, this is the hormones talking (and that I have ALWAYS hated being the center of attention), but seriously, we all got to this earth somehow and for most of us it was by a pregnant woman, so what's the big news? I got a big belly, go away.

6. I'm ready to start the next chapter of our lives.

To end this transition, to become a family, to have a routine.

Where have I been? Part Two.

(Make sure to read part one first!)

After finding out we were pregnant at the end of November, we started planning a quickie wedding for January. After taking up counsel with our pastors, we realized that we were just jumping into it because we felt like it was our only option, so we decided to postpone it until we felt like it was God's time, not ours.

Back to March...

At this point Charlie and I had been going through counseling for nearly a year through our church. In January we started official "premarital" counseling and met weekly. That week after my moms accident, we tossed around ideas of eloping, and when we met with our counselor, we brought it up to him. He was supportive and encouraging, and gave us a step by step list of things to do and think about, including finding a place to live, where we would elope, and other wedding details. The next week was hard as we tried to find an apartment in the Seattle area. I replied to probably 30 ads on craigslist, and had maybe 5 return my calls. The places we looked at were not promising, and I was starting to lose hope again. At this point I was frustrated and discouraged. Everyone kept telling me that living at home was not a good situation for me while pregnant. I was trying to do everything in my power to change that, but I felt like God wasn't hearing my prayers.

As usual, I was wrong.

The next weekend we found our perfect apartment. I already had a great feeling about seeing it, but when the landlord called me and said we could look at it a day early and before anyone else, I knew this was God opening a door. We applied that night and were approved the next week. We started moving in and set a wedding date for April 6, about two weeks later.

The way that God opened doors for us from there on out was astounding and I had never experienced anything like it. It made it so clear to us that we were doing things in His timing. He had heard our prayers, and the wait was finally over! 

We were married on a rainy Saturday afternoon on the shore of Lake Quinault. Only a few of our family and friends attended, about 15 I think, and it was all perfect. I will never forget the love that was bursting out of my heart for Charlie when we took our vows. I get butterflies just thinking about it.











Our photo's were taken by Ariana Lynee Photography, they were an amazing part of our day! 

After the wedding and our relaxing night at the Rain Forest Resort (ahhhhmazing!), we came home and settled back into our new apartment. Charlie started school again on Monday, and before long we were in a full-blown-married-couple-routine. And we couldn't be happier :-)