So God made mothers.

I read this article tonight that brought tears to my eyes. Most articles about motherhood and children do that, but this one made my heart explode into a million little pieces. It was listing off a bunch of things that mothers of sons should live by. They were all great and practical and touching. But in the last one the writer talked about how mothers are "home base" and that you will always be the constant safe place in your sons life, like the sun.

Like the sun.

God made the universe and it was good, he made heaven and earth, beast and fish, sky and ocean, and it was all good. He made man, but he knew that man shouldn't be alone.

Shouldn't be alone.

So God made woman, the ultimate companion. He made Eve, the first wife and mother. God made us loyal with a heart of servitude.

God knew that our husbands and children needed a source of warmth and comfort, so He made us.

Our husbands needed a companion, a helper, a supporter, a cheerleader, a partner, so God made us.

Our kids needed a warm chest, a listening ear, hair to pull on, lips to kiss, tummies to squish, and hands to serve, so God made us.

With a constant, warm love. Like the sun.

I'm angry today.

But sometimes it's okay to be angry.

Today I feel like giving a piece of my mind to the next guy I see wearing those horrible shirts from the mall with a naked woman on the front of it. You know, the shirts that this mom in Utah purchased all of so that they couldn't be displayed in the store anymore?

I want to scream at the high school boys my husband sat behind on the bus yesterday, who gossiped about "getting hot girls" and keeping certain people in their circle because he brings around hot girls.

I want to gather up all the dads that have abandoned their families and tell them about the ripple affect their actions have had and how their decisions have made the world a worse place.

I want to slap every pornography producer upside the head and tell them how they have single handedly destroyed marriages and families (including my own).

But I can't do any of those things, and that makes me angry.

But I do have a precious and innocent seven month old son napping in the other room. And everyday for the rest of his life I am going to make sure that he knows that women aren't objects, toys, or things. I know that I won't be able to shelter him from every objectifying ad or sexualizing commercial, but I can teach him what our culture fails to communicate: That those things are wrong. That using women's bodies is abuse and that supporting it or tolerating it is sin. I will teach him that it is a big deal, which is exactly what our culture doesn't want him to believe.

Bare

Art by Society 6.

Talking about my issues with comparison and self esteem is one of the hardest things for me to do. I feel more vulnerable talking about these things than I do my divorce or other struggles I have. If I'm being perfectly honest, a lot of times I still feel like I'm nine years old in the school yard. Trying to fit in, feeling so self conscious about everything I would say, do, or wear. Being tormented by other kids' opinions of me. To say I was a sensitive child is an understatement, but I also had (have?) extremely low self esteem. 

But now that I am an adult, I find my low self esteem working against me in different ways. The enemy uses it to isolate me and make me feel worthless. I often feel that I have no value as a friend, which stops me from reaching out to people. I want so desperately to fit in with the other awesome photographers in Seattle and for them to see me as their equal, so I try to engage them on Twitter or Instagram (both of which I HATE using), but I just end up feeling like a fake. And why would anyone want to be friends with someone who can't even be true to themselves or break out of the mold? 

The truth is, I can't remember who I was before the world told me who I should be. Before people said hurtful things that made me change, before I took a critical ax to myself in a mirror, before I was shy, before I felt self conscious about everything I said. I don't remember who Sara really is, or the things she says or the way she acts. I think that about 75% of the things I do in a day are things I think I should be doing or because I want to appear a certain way to others. 

Have you ever met someone who was just so unashamedly themselves? Someone who just had a way of life that was unique, who said the things they thought and did the things they wanted and didn't feel sorry for not being loved by everyone? I knew a woman like that once, her name was Jess, and she was amazing. I had never met anyone like her and I felt lucky to be one of her best friends. She passed away from cancer a few years ago and not only am I sad she's gone, but I'm also sad that the world lost one of the few people who wasn't afraid to be themselves. 

Which is where I get back to, "Just be yourself". But I don't know who that is.