Bare

Art by Society 6.

Talking about my issues with comparison and self esteem is one of the hardest things for me to do. I feel more vulnerable talking about these things than I do my divorce or other struggles I have. If I'm being perfectly honest, a lot of times I still feel like I'm nine years old in the school yard. Trying to fit in, feeling so self conscious about everything I would say, do, or wear. Being tormented by other kids' opinions of me. To say I was a sensitive child is an understatement, but I also had (have?) extremely low self esteem. 

But now that I am an adult, I find my low self esteem working against me in different ways. The enemy uses it to isolate me and make me feel worthless. I often feel that I have no value as a friend, which stops me from reaching out to people. I want so desperately to fit in with the other awesome photographers in Seattle and for them to see me as their equal, so I try to engage them on Twitter or Instagram (both of which I HATE using), but I just end up feeling like a fake. And why would anyone want to be friends with someone who can't even be true to themselves or break out of the mold? 

The truth is, I can't remember who I was before the world told me who I should be. Before people said hurtful things that made me change, before I took a critical ax to myself in a mirror, before I was shy, before I felt self conscious about everything I said. I don't remember who Sara really is, or the things she says or the way she acts. I think that about 75% of the things I do in a day are things I think I should be doing or because I want to appear a certain way to others. 

Have you ever met someone who was just so unashamedly themselves? Someone who just had a way of life that was unique, who said the things they thought and did the things they wanted and didn't feel sorry for not being loved by everyone? I knew a woman like that once, her name was Jess, and she was amazing. I had never met anyone like her and I felt lucky to be one of her best friends. She passed away from cancer a few years ago and not only am I sad she's gone, but I'm also sad that the world lost one of the few people who wasn't afraid to be themselves. 

Which is where I get back to, "Just be yourself". But I don't know who that is.