Goodbye, 2013.

I keep forgetting that it's New Years Eve. I've never been big into holidays except for Valentines Day and occasionally Christmas. Christmas had been hard the last few years but this year it was exciting again, being the first one as a family.

Today I had some alone time and someone had just wished me a "Happy New Years Eve!" so it was on my mind, the last year. Every year brings a lot of "change" and "amazing things" but getting married and having a baby are especially high on the charts, both of which I did. As I started to compose a Facebook post to add to the lot about what a great year it's been, I felt like a fraud. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. And not to say that marrying Charlie and having Finn aren't blessings, because of course they are, but I think a lot of that joy will be reaped in later years. This year we had to sow.

The truth is that it's hard to get married and have a baby three months later. Especially a high need, fussy baby like Finnegan (he has mellowed out GREATLY PTL!). But the first three months of his life contained some of the most challenging moments of mine. Going through a horrible labor, postpartum anxiety and insomnia, nursing problems, thrush, sleeping problems… And then after that a hoard of personal and financial problems for us… which spiraled Charlie into a depression… which caused our marriage to snowball into a dark place. You get the idea. While all of this is going on I've also been dealing with serious family problems including having my brother arrested and going to the hospital with both my parents. There is so much to process and heal from that has occurred this year.

But one thing that is standing out to me is this, and it may sound silly, but I realize that I became a woman this year.

Here I was, thinking I already was when I realize nope, at this time last year I was still a girl. There were times this year when things were so stressful I wanted to throw in the towel and give up but instead have persisted for my family. When I've actually turned to others and God for guidance and help instead of trying to muscle through everything on my own. And that doesn't even touch on the sacrifices that I've made in becoming a mother.

All of these things have collectively grown me and aged me. In a good way, I think. And not because of my own will, but because I have searched and sought out God through everything. Not once did I blame him like I had in the past, not once did I hide from him out of shame. But instead I knew that he was the answer, and at times he was my only hope, the only one not disappointing me.

Thank you, Lord, for walking with me through every step of this year. Thank you for your faithfulness and your unwavering strength. I am so thankful that you have a will and purpose for my life. I know that you will bring healing to the broken parts of my life and work them out for my good, just as you have every hardship that I faced this year. Help me to keep my sights set on heavenly things, not fleeting, earthly concerns. Help me to remain faithful to honor you, my husband, and my son.