A side note before I start: I'm going to chalk my last post up to a few days of built up hormones and poor prayer. The next day I spent the morning praying and asking God to take all of burdens from me and he has TOTALLY answered my prayers. I am feeling much better now :-)
I feel like we are at the beginning of the end, and I couldn't be happier. It seems so surreal to be saying goodbye to pregnancy soon. Since November 23, it has been my whole life. It's weird to think about wearing normal clothes again, it's weird to think about being able bodied and having my strength back, it's going to be weird not having everything I do or eat affect my growing baby. You seriously go through a complete mind and body adjustment when you are pregnant, nothing is the same. And now, it's all going to be done with.
On another side note, I would personally like to thank the five hundred people who have told me that I don't look like I'm ready to have a baby and who have commented on how tiny I am. It has made me realize how much we need to compliment each other more, it is such an easy blessing to give to someone!
Right now we are on "vacation" since Charlie just finished his spring quarter at the Art Institute and has two weeks before summer quarter starts. We have been planning out for a while how we would spend this break, and it has already been a very productive week. We have a ton of things on our "to-do" list that includes so many things, from selling a car to creating a paper filing system.
We decided to spend last weekend down at my parents house to take advantage of their patio space to sand and paint a bunch of wooden picture frames that we have been collecting at garage sales and thrift stores. We are also going to sand and stain some crates from Michael's (yes, hopping on this Pinterest train!) that we will be using as storage in our bathroom. On Sunday we also had a joint family baby shower with my sister since she is also expecting in September! It was a huge celebration and we were so blessed by the dozens of family members that came and the gifts they bestowed onto us. Now that our showers are out of the way, we have a pretty clear view of what is left that we need to get for baby over the next month. Yesterday we went to an amazing consignment store up the road and got most of the things left on our list. It seems so weird that we have pretty much everything we need. Carseat, stroller, swing, baby carrier... Are we really all prepared?
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
Why I'm not looking forward to the next six weeks.
I have heard every pregnant woman I have ever talked to give the "I'm ready" speech, so I knew this time would come, but oh I wish I could find a way to get over these feelings. (Ya know, other than the fact that... I HAVE TO.) Here are my reasons for hoping that the next month and a half will FLY by!
1. I miss my husband.
This one almost doesn't make sense because I'm sure having a newborn and being sleep deprived isn't really going to spark up our romance, but I am just so darn tired of how irritable my hormones are making me. Again, I know it will most likely still be this way after delivery, I'm just looking five months down the road here...
2. I've got the pre-baby blues.
I'm terrified, anxious, excited, impatient, bored, unmotivated... the list goes on. Part of me just wants this baby here NOW, but the other part of me is SO SCARED for postpartum life. I am confident that once I hold my son in my arms, most of these emotions will seem so trivial and the joy will overwhelm me.
3. I am tired of being tired.
I have no energy or motivation. Charlie has been amazing and taking over a lot of the cooking and cleaning, which makes me feel awful! I have so much free time but no desire to do anything productive with it.
4. I don't want to gain anymore weight.
I know, I know, I'm such a hypocrite after writing this post a few weeks ago. But I have officially let myself go and am just riding it out until the end. I have gained as much weight as is "recommended" for pregnancy, and anymore will be excess that I don't need.
5. IM TIRED OF PEOPLE STARING AT ME!
Okay, this is the hormones talking (and that I have ALWAYS hated being the center of attention), but seriously, we all got to this earth somehow and for most of us it was by a pregnant woman, so what's the big news? I got a big belly, go away.
6. I'm ready to start the next chapter of our lives.
To end this transition, to become a family, to have a routine.
1. I miss my husband.
This one almost doesn't make sense because I'm sure having a newborn and being sleep deprived isn't really going to spark up our romance, but I am just so darn tired of how irritable my hormones are making me. Again, I know it will most likely still be this way after delivery, I'm just looking five months down the road here...
2. I've got the pre-baby blues.
I'm terrified, anxious, excited, impatient, bored, unmotivated... the list goes on. Part of me just wants this baby here NOW, but the other part of me is SO SCARED for postpartum life. I am confident that once I hold my son in my arms, most of these emotions will seem so trivial and the joy will overwhelm me.
3. I am tired of being tired.
I have no energy or motivation. Charlie has been amazing and taking over a lot of the cooking and cleaning, which makes me feel awful! I have so much free time but no desire to do anything productive with it.
4. I don't want to gain anymore weight.
I know, I know, I'm such a hypocrite after writing this post a few weeks ago. But I have officially let myself go and am just riding it out until the end. I have gained as much weight as is "recommended" for pregnancy, and anymore will be excess that I don't need.
5. IM TIRED OF PEOPLE STARING AT ME!
Okay, this is the hormones talking (and that I have ALWAYS hated being the center of attention), but seriously, we all got to this earth somehow and for most of us it was by a pregnant woman, so what's the big news? I got a big belly, go away.
6. I'm ready to start the next chapter of our lives.
To end this transition, to become a family, to have a routine.
Where have I been? Part Two.
(Make sure to read part one first!)
After finding out we were pregnant at the end of November, we started planning a quickie wedding for January. After taking up counsel with our pastors, we realized that we were just jumping into it because we felt like it was our only option, so we decided to postpone it until we felt like it was God's time, not ours.
Back to March...
At this point Charlie and I had been going through counseling for nearly a year through our church. In January we started official "premarital" counseling and met weekly. That week after my moms accident, we tossed around ideas of eloping, and when we met with our counselor, we brought it up to him. He was supportive and encouraging, and gave us a step by step list of things to do and think about, including finding a place to live, where we would elope, and other wedding details. The next week was hard as we tried to find an apartment in the Seattle area. I replied to probably 30 ads on craigslist, and had maybe 5 return my calls. The places we looked at were not promising, and I was starting to lose hope again. At this point I was frustrated and discouraged. Everyone kept telling me that living at home was not a good situation for me while pregnant. I was trying to do everything in my power to change that, but I felt like God wasn't hearing my prayers.
As usual, I was wrong.
The next weekend we found our perfect apartment. I already had a great feeling about seeing it, but when the landlord called me and said we could look at it a day early and before anyone else, I knew this was God opening a door. We applied that night and were approved the next week. We started moving in and set a wedding date for April 6, about two weeks later.
The way that God opened doors for us from there on out was astounding and I had never experienced anything like it. It made it so clear to us that we were doing things in His timing. He had heard our prayers, and the wait was finally over!
We were married on a rainy Saturday afternoon on the shore of Lake Quinault. Only a few of our family and friends attended, about 15 I think, and it was all perfect. I will never forget the love that was bursting out of my heart for Charlie when we took our vows. I get butterflies just thinking about it.
After finding out we were pregnant at the end of November, we started planning a quickie wedding for January. After taking up counsel with our pastors, we realized that we were just jumping into it because we felt like it was our only option, so we decided to postpone it until we felt like it was God's time, not ours.
Back to March...
At this point Charlie and I had been going through counseling for nearly a year through our church. In January we started official "premarital" counseling and met weekly. That week after my moms accident, we tossed around ideas of eloping, and when we met with our counselor, we brought it up to him. He was supportive and encouraging, and gave us a step by step list of things to do and think about, including finding a place to live, where we would elope, and other wedding details. The next week was hard as we tried to find an apartment in the Seattle area. I replied to probably 30 ads on craigslist, and had maybe 5 return my calls. The places we looked at were not promising, and I was starting to lose hope again. At this point I was frustrated and discouraged. Everyone kept telling me that living at home was not a good situation for me while pregnant. I was trying to do everything in my power to change that, but I felt like God wasn't hearing my prayers.
As usual, I was wrong.
The next weekend we found our perfect apartment. I already had a great feeling about seeing it, but when the landlord called me and said we could look at it a day early and before anyone else, I knew this was God opening a door. We applied that night and were approved the next week. We started moving in and set a wedding date for April 6, about two weeks later.
The way that God opened doors for us from there on out was astounding and I had never experienced anything like it. It made it so clear to us that we were doing things in His timing. He had heard our prayers, and the wait was finally over!
We were married on a rainy Saturday afternoon on the shore of Lake Quinault. Only a few of our family and friends attended, about 15 I think, and it was all perfect. I will never forget the love that was bursting out of my heart for Charlie when we took our vows. I get butterflies just thinking about it.
Our photo's were taken by Ariana Lynee Photography, they were an amazing part of our day!
After the wedding and our relaxing night at the Rain Forest Resort (ahhhhmazing!), we came home and settled back into our new apartment. Charlie started school again on Monday, and before long we were in a full-blown-married-couple-routine. And we couldn't be happier :-)
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Pregnancy Lessons
This is a candid list of some things I have learned throughout my first pregnancy so far, as I write this I am nearly 34 weeks. Please take whatever you find helpful and leave the rest. I am by no means an expert, but I love reading real women's perspectives on pregnancy, which is why I write this.
#1. Get a head start.
Pregnancy is this terrible game of "hurry up and wait." When you find out you're pregnant your mind naturally goes crazy with everything that will be changing and happening over the next year. You start to research what you need, what you need to do, what to expect.... For me this whirlwind climaxed then ended with my first trimester. After spending what felt like weeks reading and researching, I was ready for a break, it all just seemed SOOO far in the future, what was the point in trying to do it all now?
While that break was nice (and totally acceptable), all of a sudden I was 28 weeks pregnant (hello, LAST trimester) and I freaked the crap out. Here I was, feeling like the baby was going to come any day now, and we had not read a single baby book or taken any classes. Heck, we hadn't even chosen a midwife or a place to deliver yet, much less a pediatrician!
This sent me into a frenzy. It took me a few weeks to finally
If I could go back I would have crossed the following things off in my second trimester:
-Picked a midwife and place to deliver
-Created a birthing plan
-Started reading baby books
-Taken at least a few basic classes about labor, breastfeeding, and newborn care (we are skipping this altogether now)
If you're like me, then you have had what kind of stroller, baby carrier, nursing bra, bottle, etc, that you want picked out by your 10th week. But if not, then I would add "product research" to this list as well.
Me and Charlie at the start of my third trimester, aka "the great freakout".
#2. Talk to other moms.
Since I am on the younger side and the first of my best friends to have a baby, I don't spend too much time interacting with moms of young children. But really, moms are the experts (who knew).
You can get a lot of opinions on the internet, my personal favorite, but when you're just not sure if your baby needs a swing and a vibrating chair, ask some moms. Is it insane to try and cloth diaper using shared laundry? Ask some moms. Staying up all night with your crazy fears about labor and all it's possibilities? Talk to some moms. (I have tried talking to Charlie about this a hundred times and bless him for listening, but men just can't understand the fear).
My mom, grandma, and sister, three women who I love talking parenthood with!
#3. Be firm in your beliefs but flexible with your judgments.
You will surely become closer with other friends who are pregnant at the same time as you. My sister and a few close friends happened to get pregnant within a few weeks of me, which makes it more exciting! But boy is everybody different when it comes to pregnancy, babies, and parenting.
I'm a classic glass bottles, cloth diaper, breastfed is best, sulfate free, roll in the grass, hippie parent. (For the record, Charlie is too). But just like in every other area of our lives, my sister and I are opposites. Since I wanted this pregnancy to help us bond instead of alienating one another, I took a road that I don't normally take when I believe strongly in something, the road called "shutup, it doesn't matter." Normally I love making my family watch documentaries and read articles about the growth hormones in our food, but I knew that this just wasn't one of those opportunities. I want to keep my mommy friends close, not push them away. If I do stumble across a great video or book, I recommend it to my other pregnant friends, but I don't push it. I have strong beliefs, but I also know that I don't know it all yet, nor will I ever, and I sure hope nobody gives me a dirty look as I try to figure this "parenting" thing out.
If a friends asks for your opinion, by all means, share! People are more likely to be swayed by facts and information than they are by your personal bias or judgements though, so keep that in mind.
The only person you need to be on the same page with is your partner, everyone else is optional.
Photo by: Peter Larson Photography
#4. Pregnancy really isn't that bad.
I have come to the conclusion that pregnancy is given a bad rap by a small minority of two kinds of people. People who: actually have really bad pregnancies (I'm sorry if this is you) or don't get any sympathy from their partner and need to look for it elsewhere by complaining to anyone who will listen (I'm also really sorry if this is you :( I will listen).
But I believe that for the most part (again, if you are the exception please don't take offense) pregnancy is like every other time in your life; how you feel results from how you take care of yourself. If you are unhealthy or overweight to begin with, it's probably only going to get worse. If you don't drink enough water, walk enough, sleep enough, or eat healthy, you probably will be miserable. Such are the rules for any other time in life, but pregnancy tends to MAGNIFY whatever is going on in your body.
(These rules don't apply to the first trimester. I was healthy as a horse before getting pregnant but I had such bad morning sickness I landed in the ER.)
For example, most people don't drink very much water. Certainly not the 897,298 ounces a day or whatever it is that we're supposed to drink. Normal people? Get thirsty, maybe a headache, drink some water, whatever. Pregnant women? Nausea, headache, dizziness, fainting, stomach cramps, general feeling of death. If you are out of tune with your body before you get pregnant, get it together. If you generally do okay, your pregnancy probably wont be the horror story you've heard so much about.
I really was expecting pregnancy to be some sort of nightmare. And while the heartburn, hemorrhoids, swelling, and rib cage matches aren't a picnic, it's really not that bad. So relax. Obviously I have yet to deliver, so I can't speak at all on that part, and it remains a nightmare in my imagination :) I hope I'm wrong on that one too.
My best friend and I getting ready on my wedding day, 6 months pregnant.
#5. Thrift. It. Up.
My absolute favorite thing about living in the city is Value Village (we literally live right across the street), Goodwill, garage sales, and Craigslist. I have never been a big thrift store person, but because we live in such a big city, the selection is amazing, and I'm addicted.
As far as baby stuff goes, we pretty much just stick to clothes, blankets, and books (What to Expect for $1.99!!) at VV and Goodwill. There are about 1 billion onesies in perfect condition for $0.99, and jackets and pants for $1.99. Once you pay $1 for a onesie, you'll never be able to pay full price for one. Garage sales and Craiglist are also great for clothes, but also other items like nursing pillows, baby carriers, strollers, pack n' plays, etc. You can find everything for sale for such a better price than brand new. If you don't live in a city, then plan a weekend to visit one and hit up as many garage sales and thrift stores as you can in one day.
The following is an example of how much money you could save on clothes buying used vs. new.
Used: Old Navy:
15 plain white onesies $15 $50
5 pants (lowest price) $10 $30
Total $25 $80
Take all that money saved and go buy some diapers, which you can't get used ;-)
Chances are someone will throw you at least one baby shower, use this as an opportunity to register for the bigger stuff that you can't find used, and buy all the cheap baby clothes/blankets yourself. I've had several people ask me what I would "like" them to get me, and I knew my top priorities off the top of my head: Baby carrier, breast pump, stroller, nursing pillow.
My first ever goodwill shopping trip, all for under $10.
I hope that this advice is helpful to you throughout your pregnancy. Pregnancy really is a wonderful and exciting experience, I have loved mine and wouldn't take it back for anything. Feel free to comment if you have any specific questions!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
I have been dying to get this off my chest.
I'm just going to go out on a limb and say this...
The way women treat their bodies is wrong.
Yes, I blame the American culture, advertising, men, women, the media, your mom, and your ex boyfriend. But ultimately, I do hold you accountable for changing this. I hold myself accountable, I hold women everywhere accountable for how they view, think about, speak about, and treat their bodies. (I am speaking in general terms. If you are one of the few women who have been enlightened and treat yourself with respect, then praise to you.)
It starts with: how we think
Women are beautiful, kind, and they smell good. You may not realize this until you get married. The world needs us. But the world has also exploited that need and is attempting to manipulate us into thinking that we must be the most beautiful, kindest, and good smelling woman on this earth. You see Vanessa Hudgens? Yah, you need to be like her. Good luck. Here are 12 steps on Pinterest that I found to get you there.
But as much as we color, straighten, whiten, tone, tan, and try to transform ourselves into Vanessa Hudgens, we never do. Are we still beautiful, kind, and good smelling? Yep. But we don't really think so because... well... she's so much better. So we carry around a burden of inferiority and self consciousness our entire lives. We hate when there are "pretty girls" (you know, the ones with straight blonde hair) around, we hate taking our boyfriends to the beach where the in shape girls play volleyball, we never feel good enough. And in reality, we can't even see ourselves anymore. All we see is a scale of how we measure up to that other girl. 'Well her skin is a lot better than mine but my teeth are straighter..." We're paranoid. What do we think is going to happen if we're not the best smelling in the room? I don't know, but it sure is awful to think about.
We have no idea how beautiful we actually are. How our family, husbands, kids, and friends see us. I can tell you right now that not a single one of my girl friends is ugly, but I'm sure if you asked them, they would disagree. We automatically asume that our husbands would be happier with that skinner girl over there, she is so beautiful.
Do you hear all of this? I'm sure most of you are agreeing in your head. I'm telling you that this is insane.
This insane thought process is perpetuated when: we speak
To our girlfriends, our moms, our husbands. The words "discontent" and "unsatisfied" are the first that come to mind. But you know what this does? This creates a world where women are judged based on their appearance. This speech is what fuels the media and advertising agencies. They hear us scrutinizing ourselves, they see our dissatisfaction, and they jump on it. Imagine a world where each woman had confidence and respect for herself, we would laugh at ridiculous advertisements. But by proclaiming that we're ashamed, by stating that we're not pretty enough, by complaining about how we look. The rest of the world is just following suit.
This all comes together in: how we treat ourselves
So we've been carrying around this burden our entire life. And it is heavy. We have completely stripped ourselves from confidence, pride, self assuredness, and peace. We have proclaimed it to the world and they are proclaiming it back to us. Our bodies, which were once a beautiful, living, breathing masterpiece, have been reduced to a shell which we try to spruce up, paint over, cover up, and make excuses for.
If we really viewed our bodies as a source of life, to be protected, loved, and respected, then we would remain objective about how we treated it. We would eat healthy, because that's what makes the most sense in caring for something. We would listen to our bodies, we would spend more time outside, exercising, and doing what our body craves. It's like taking care of a child or an animal. How you take care of it has nothing to do with what it looks like or how well it performs. You give it healthy food because that's what is best for it! You take it outside to the park because that's what it enjoys!
But we don't treat our own bodies that way. We base everything on our appearance. We think we are fat so we either eat out of sadness or drag our butts to the gym, we lay in the sun to get tan, a lot of us even go to extremes to change our appearance at the sacrifice of our health such as laying in tanning beds, using treatments that are loaded with chemicals, or having botox or plastic surgery.
It makes me incredibly sad when I see women who are hurting, defeated, and carrying around this heavy burden that their appearance is not good enough. When I watched the Dove sketch video, I cried. It is so incredibly sad that this is the norm. I know my mom and my sister have the same esteem in those videos, and I wish I could make everyone realize how beautiful they are, but even further than that, that how wonderful of a person they are doesn't have anything to do with their appearance.
This can be changed with: you.
During my pregnancy I have become extremely convicted of my poor body image and self esteem. A few months ago I had the epiphany that to change the world, I simply had to be a spark. If I want men and the media to stop treating women as objects, I have to stop treating myself like an object.
So how do I do that? I make an effort everyday to view myself as more than a shell. To remind myself that my appearance is not the most important thing about me. I have tried to change my view of my body from that of something that needs to be "dealt with" to a living, thriving, piece of God's creation that should be respected and loved. When I do feel bad about my body, I keep the thoughts to myself, knowing that what I'm feeling is mostly hormonal and emotional, not how I truly feel. I make an effort to never talk negatively, but positively about my body in front of my husband, friends, other women, and especially other pregnant women. When my husband compliments me, instead of "correcting" him (because sometimes I think he needs to get his vision checked), I graciously accept. I know he isn't lying about the way he see's me, who am I to tell him he is wrong? I am letting go of the expectation that I have to have some miraculous "recovery" or bounce back after my baby is born. My body needs love and nurturing, not a deadline.
My goal in doing all of this is to encourage other women to do the same. You do not have anything to prove to the world, or anyone. Remove all expectations from yourself and give your body the love it deserves. Your body is nothing to hate, your body is nothing to complain about, your body is a magnificent tool.
The way women treat their bodies is wrong.
Yes, I blame the American culture, advertising, men, women, the media, your mom, and your ex boyfriend. But ultimately, I do hold you accountable for changing this. I hold myself accountable, I hold women everywhere accountable for how they view, think about, speak about, and treat their bodies. (I am speaking in general terms. If you are one of the few women who have been enlightened and treat yourself with respect, then praise to you.)
It starts with: how we think
Women are beautiful, kind, and they smell good. You may not realize this until you get married. The world needs us. But the world has also exploited that need and is attempting to manipulate us into thinking that we must be the most beautiful, kindest, and good smelling woman on this earth. You see Vanessa Hudgens? Yah, you need to be like her. Good luck. Here are 12 steps on Pinterest that I found to get you there.
But as much as we color, straighten, whiten, tone, tan, and try to transform ourselves into Vanessa Hudgens, we never do. Are we still beautiful, kind, and good smelling? Yep. But we don't really think so because... well... she's so much better. So we carry around a burden of inferiority and self consciousness our entire lives. We hate when there are "pretty girls" (you know, the ones with straight blonde hair) around, we hate taking our boyfriends to the beach where the in shape girls play volleyball, we never feel good enough. And in reality, we can't even see ourselves anymore. All we see is a scale of how we measure up to that other girl. 'Well her skin is a lot better than mine but my teeth are straighter..." We're paranoid. What do we think is going to happen if we're not the best smelling in the room? I don't know, but it sure is awful to think about.
We have no idea how beautiful we actually are. How our family, husbands, kids, and friends see us. I can tell you right now that not a single one of my girl friends is ugly, but I'm sure if you asked them, they would disagree. We automatically asume that our husbands would be happier with that skinner girl over there, she is so beautiful.
Do you hear all of this? I'm sure most of you are agreeing in your head. I'm telling you that this is insane.
This insane thought process is perpetuated when: we speak
To our girlfriends, our moms, our husbands. The words "discontent" and "unsatisfied" are the first that come to mind. But you know what this does? This creates a world where women are judged based on their appearance. This speech is what fuels the media and advertising agencies. They hear us scrutinizing ourselves, they see our dissatisfaction, and they jump on it. Imagine a world where each woman had confidence and respect for herself, we would laugh at ridiculous advertisements. But by proclaiming that we're ashamed, by stating that we're not pretty enough, by complaining about how we look. The rest of the world is just following suit.
This all comes together in: how we treat ourselves
So we've been carrying around this burden our entire life. And it is heavy. We have completely stripped ourselves from confidence, pride, self assuredness, and peace. We have proclaimed it to the world and they are proclaiming it back to us. Our bodies, which were once a beautiful, living, breathing masterpiece, have been reduced to a shell which we try to spruce up, paint over, cover up, and make excuses for.
If we really viewed our bodies as a source of life, to be protected, loved, and respected, then we would remain objective about how we treated it. We would eat healthy, because that's what makes the most sense in caring for something. We would listen to our bodies, we would spend more time outside, exercising, and doing what our body craves. It's like taking care of a child or an animal. How you take care of it has nothing to do with what it looks like or how well it performs. You give it healthy food because that's what is best for it! You take it outside to the park because that's what it enjoys!
But we don't treat our own bodies that way. We base everything on our appearance. We think we are fat so we either eat out of sadness or drag our butts to the gym, we lay in the sun to get tan, a lot of us even go to extremes to change our appearance at the sacrifice of our health such as laying in tanning beds, using treatments that are loaded with chemicals, or having botox or plastic surgery.
It makes me incredibly sad when I see women who are hurting, defeated, and carrying around this heavy burden that their appearance is not good enough. When I watched the Dove sketch video, I cried. It is so incredibly sad that this is the norm. I know my mom and my sister have the same esteem in those videos, and I wish I could make everyone realize how beautiful they are, but even further than that, that how wonderful of a person they are doesn't have anything to do with their appearance.
This can be changed with: you.
During my pregnancy I have become extremely convicted of my poor body image and self esteem. A few months ago I had the epiphany that to change the world, I simply had to be a spark. If I want men and the media to stop treating women as objects, I have to stop treating myself like an object.
So how do I do that? I make an effort everyday to view myself as more than a shell. To remind myself that my appearance is not the most important thing about me. I have tried to change my view of my body from that of something that needs to be "dealt with" to a living, thriving, piece of God's creation that should be respected and loved. When I do feel bad about my body, I keep the thoughts to myself, knowing that what I'm feeling is mostly hormonal and emotional, not how I truly feel. I make an effort to never talk negatively, but positively about my body in front of my husband, friends, other women, and especially other pregnant women. When my husband compliments me, instead of "correcting" him (because sometimes I think he needs to get his vision checked), I graciously accept. I know he isn't lying about the way he see's me, who am I to tell him he is wrong? I am letting go of the expectation that I have to have some miraculous "recovery" or bounce back after my baby is born. My body needs love and nurturing, not a deadline.
My goal in doing all of this is to encourage other women to do the same. You do not have anything to prove to the world, or anyone. Remove all expectations from yourself and give your body the love it deserves. Your body is nothing to hate, your body is nothing to complain about, your body is a magnificent tool.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Settling.
Transitioning is never easy... but I never thought settling would be this challenging. The last two years and eight months of my life have been spent going through transition after transition.
I moved from Canada back in with my parents (decided, packed, and executed in two days), I got divorced, I joined a church, I started dating, I got kicked out of said church for dating, I went through depression, I started working a real job for the first time in years, I started community college, I started a business with my boyfriend, I joined a new church, I started counseling, I moved, I quit my job, I got accepted into a university, I moved again, I got a new job, Charlie and I got engaged, I got pregnant, I got fired, we got married, I moved to Seattle.
Pretty much nothing (with the exception of Charlie) stayed the same for longer than six months. But here I am, and though I am about to have a baby in less than two months and go through THE BIGGEST transition yet, my life is finally starting to settle. Or is it? There are still so many things that are changing. We are looking for a church, I am planning on finishing my personal trainer certification after the baby is born, Charlie is trying to figure out if he should take a different career path (or yet, an additional one), we are praying about where/what God wants us to go/do after he graduates. But I guess that is getting a little ahead of ourselves...
But something that I've known about myself for a long time, the thing that made it so hard for me to let go and trust God about staying home with our baby, was that I thrive on the transition and the stress. It was so exhausting balancing full time school, work, our business, church, friends, boyfriend... but I was too busy to have the energy to hate it. It occupied me, it distracted me. I never had to sit still and think about my life.
The stillness kills me.
The stillness makes me day dream about a better life in which I eat perfectly and workout with ease and never have trouble getting me and baby out of the house and Charlie and I are a part of a small group of other young couples who love and support us. And we serve and make a difference and use our talents for the greater good, and we save for a house and we live frugally. The stillness makes me obsess over all the things I don't have, over all the things I'm not. And I spend more time obsessing than I actually spend doing. And I fall into this pit of self loathing where I stop eating healthy and exercising and I spend money on things I don't need and most importantly... I don't pray about how I'm feeling.
And so I ask God to forgive me and I ask Charlie to forgive me. And I pray that the stillness wont be so bad this week because I just can't take it. I pray that I will use this time and opportunity for good and not just fantasizing about the good.
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.
Those who are in the flesh cannot please God."
Romans 8:1-8
I moved from Canada back in with my parents (decided, packed, and executed in two days), I got divorced, I joined a church, I started dating, I got kicked out of said church for dating, I went through depression, I started working a real job for the first time in years, I started community college, I started a business with my boyfriend, I joined a new church, I started counseling, I moved, I quit my job, I got accepted into a university, I moved again, I got a new job, Charlie and I got engaged, I got pregnant, I got fired, we got married, I moved to Seattle.
Pretty much nothing (with the exception of Charlie) stayed the same for longer than six months. But here I am, and though I am about to have a baby in less than two months and go through THE BIGGEST transition yet, my life is finally starting to settle. Or is it? There are still so many things that are changing. We are looking for a church, I am planning on finishing my personal trainer certification after the baby is born, Charlie is trying to figure out if he should take a different career path (or yet, an additional one), we are praying about where/what God wants us to go/do after he graduates. But I guess that is getting a little ahead of ourselves...
But something that I've known about myself for a long time, the thing that made it so hard for me to let go and trust God about staying home with our baby, was that I thrive on the transition and the stress. It was so exhausting balancing full time school, work, our business, church, friends, boyfriend... but I was too busy to have the energy to hate it. It occupied me, it distracted me. I never had to sit still and think about my life.
The stillness kills me.
The stillness makes me day dream about a better life in which I eat perfectly and workout with ease and never have trouble getting me and baby out of the house and Charlie and I are a part of a small group of other young couples who love and support us. And we serve and make a difference and use our talents for the greater good, and we save for a house and we live frugally. The stillness makes me obsess over all the things I don't have, over all the things I'm not. And I spend more time obsessing than I actually spend doing. And I fall into this pit of self loathing where I stop eating healthy and exercising and I spend money on things I don't need and most importantly... I don't pray about how I'm feeling.
And so I ask God to forgive me and I ask Charlie to forgive me. And I pray that the stillness wont be so bad this week because I just can't take it. I pray that I will use this time and opportunity for good and not just fantasizing about the good.
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.
Those who are in the flesh cannot please God."
Romans 8:1-8
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Where have I been? Part One.
I miss blogging. But so much has happened in the last two months that I don't even know where to begin to catch you back up to speed and get into the routine of normal posting again. But, I will try. This is a story of letting go and taking a leap of faith into God's plan for you. And honestly, it was probably my first time ever. I'm going to write this in sections for the sake of... well, everyone.
The accident
The real reason I have put off blogging about life for so long is because of this. I apologize if I am brief but I am still very traumatized by what happened and don't feel like reliving it.
On March 1st we found out that our baby was a boy. We had been dyyyying for this ultrasound and were so content when we finally knew that we were having a son. The next day we had a very full day and ended it with an exhausted and bleery eyed trip through Target, where we spontaneously decided to buy the baby's car seat. It was our first real purchase. We came home and excitedly told my mom about our purchase. We were exhausted, so we got ready for bed. We were laying there (both on our phones I'm sure), when I heard a crash upstairs, like someone dropped something heavy. I didn't think anything of it. About 5-10 minutes later my brother knocked on my door and told us that my mom had done something to her face, that she was bleeding and wanted to be driven to the hospital, but he had been drinking so he couldn't. We both got up as my mom was coming inside from the back yard, it was then that we realized the severity of the situation.
My mom had been on our back deck (one story above the ground), when she got up, she slipped and fell into the railing. It collapsed and she fell onto it on the grass below. She had a major gash (which we later deduced must have been caused by a nail) that started on the side of her head, went onto her forehead, across the bridge of her nose and ended on her cheek. The inner corner of her tear duct was also cut. The next ten hours were some of the most traumatizing I've ever experienced in my life, so I'm going to fast forward... My mom and I had rode in the ambulance to Harborview, and she was finally about to go into surgery with their plastic surgeon and ophthalmologist. Finally that afternoon she was out of surgery and we were relieved to know that her eye was in tact and would function normally (aside from her tear duct) and that she had no other major injuries.
At this point I had been up for two days and at my mom's side since we left the house in the ambulance the night before. But I was so emotionally overwhelmed that I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes it was all I could think about. Every time I left my moms side I worried about her constantly. The next day we brought her back to my Grandma's house, which we all decided would be the best place for her to recover and receive constant care. We spent the next week napping, watching movies and eating good food until she felt well enough to start getting around and out.
It was on that first or second day at my grandma's that Charlie and I shared a moment. I had been leaning on him so hard and he had been doing his best to hold me together. After taking a few days off of school to recoup with us it was finally his time to go back to Seattle. I looked at him and said something along the lines of, "I don't want us to have to be apart anymore." He looked back at me and agreed, and for the first time I could really see his pain in us not being married. We were both ready.
The accident
The real reason I have put off blogging about life for so long is because of this. I apologize if I am brief but I am still very traumatized by what happened and don't feel like reliving it.
On March 1st we found out that our baby was a boy. We had been dyyyying for this ultrasound and were so content when we finally knew that we were having a son. The next day we had a very full day and ended it with an exhausted and bleery eyed trip through Target, where we spontaneously decided to buy the baby's car seat. It was our first real purchase. We came home and excitedly told my mom about our purchase. We were exhausted, so we got ready for bed. We were laying there (both on our phones I'm sure), when I heard a crash upstairs, like someone dropped something heavy. I didn't think anything of it. About 5-10 minutes later my brother knocked on my door and told us that my mom had done something to her face, that she was bleeding and wanted to be driven to the hospital, but he had been drinking so he couldn't. We both got up as my mom was coming inside from the back yard, it was then that we realized the severity of the situation.
My mom had been on our back deck (one story above the ground), when she got up, she slipped and fell into the railing. It collapsed and she fell onto it on the grass below. She had a major gash (which we later deduced must have been caused by a nail) that started on the side of her head, went onto her forehead, across the bridge of her nose and ended on her cheek. The inner corner of her tear duct was also cut. The next ten hours were some of the most traumatizing I've ever experienced in my life, so I'm going to fast forward... My mom and I had rode in the ambulance to Harborview, and she was finally about to go into surgery with their plastic surgeon and ophthalmologist. Finally that afternoon she was out of surgery and we were relieved to know that her eye was in tact and would function normally (aside from her tear duct) and that she had no other major injuries.
At this point I had been up for two days and at my mom's side since we left the house in the ambulance the night before. But I was so emotionally overwhelmed that I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes it was all I could think about. Every time I left my moms side I worried about her constantly. The next day we brought her back to my Grandma's house, which we all decided would be the best place for her to recover and receive constant care. We spent the next week napping, watching movies and eating good food until she felt well enough to start getting around and out.
It was on that first or second day at my grandma's that Charlie and I shared a moment. I had been leaning on him so hard and he had been doing his best to hold me together. After taking a few days off of school to recoup with us it was finally his time to go back to Seattle. I looked at him and said something along the lines of, "I don't want us to have to be apart anymore." He looked back at me and agreed, and for the first time I could really see his pain in us not being married. We were both ready.
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