Being made

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” 
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

About a month ago, I had been in a long season of pain and anger. A combination of things had just been weighing on me for so long, and I slowly slid into a depression. I felt oppressed and controlled by the enemy. I awoke and went to sleep angry everyday. I didn't feel like eating, I didn't feel like getting out of bed. On days when I was so mean and bitter that I was causing conflict left and right, I felt like my family would be better off without me.

I prayed for God to change me. I didn't know how to get out of this hole I had found myself in. I was angry and hurt about so many things, I needed healing that I couldn't get with my heart so hard. Feeling miserable is a vicious cycle.

And then God answered my prayers. He gave me joy and a renewed spirit. He gave me the strength to pray through all the feelings I was feeling. He gave me wisdom to discern all the problems that were going on. He gave me a desire to be close to him. He started showing me how to really love and serve others and why I should. It's been a few weeks, and God has been knocking down walls everyday.

He started building a house I never could have dreamed of.

Thank you Jesus

Finnegan has never slept more than a three hour stretch in his entire, six month long existence. It probably wouldn't be that big of a deal if he regularly slept three hours at night, woke up, slept three more hours, etc. But usually he wakes up five times a night, give or take a few.

This has stretched me and challenged me more than I ever thought possible. Not just battling the sleep deprivation, but the negative self talk, doubting my skills as a mom, and constant unwanted advice from others… All while trying to remain patient even though I am exhausted.

Well last night I was more exhausted than usual. I was falling asleep on the couch at 9pm while Charlie and I were watching a sermon (I did make it through most of it… but man Driscoll's sermons are long!). As I laid in bed I asked God for the first time to help Finn sleep through the night. I felt strange asking for it, but I also felt that it would be okay if my prayer went unanswered since God has met me with abounding strength and grace through this time of exhaustion.

Then I fell asleep… and as far as I can remember Finn didn't wake up until early this morning (around 5am I think). It is very possible that he did wake up and I just nursed him back to sleep without even being coherent or remembering. But I'm pretty sure he didn't.

So yes, that was my (and Finns!) first full nights sleep in six months and seven days. This morning when I told Charlie I welled up with tears in my eyes.

Thank you Jesus.

Who I am

I am a woman, pure and feminine. I am a daughter, a mother, a sister, and an aunt. I cry during TV shows, movies, books, Youtube videos, and just about everything else. For a long time I was lost, stubborn and hard hearted. When my heavenly Father showed me who I am to Him, I became more tender, accepted, and loving. 

"In Him you also are being built into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit." Ephesians 2:22

I am a lover, a partner, a helper, a supporter. My husband is my best friend and my joy. 

"The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:11

I am a nurturer down to my core. I want my career to be raising lots of kids. Showing them what loving God and loving others looks like. Teaching them to be dreamers, healers, and thinkers.

"Her children rise up and call her blessed…" Proverbs 31:28

I am a thinker, an observer, and an analyzer. I am a listener and an advisor. I want to help others learn from my own experiences. 

"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." Proverbs 31:26

I am an artist and a perfectionist. I am a writer, a reader, and a dreamer. I see beauty in light, in the old and forgotten. I am my own worst critic, and I desperately want to make an impact in the world.

I am nostalgic and sentimental. I desire a simpler life, in nature, away from modern pressures. 

How we found joy: Parenting our high need baby.

Charlie insists I need to blog more, I'm not so sure. There are many things that I want to say, but like a lot of other areas in my life, my need for perfection paralyzes me. I think that if I can't say what I want to say in the best possible way that I should just leave the talking to someone else. But the people around me keep insisting that I'm wrong, so here I am.

I promised that I wouldn't turn this blog into a mommy blog.

But I lied.

That's like being on a boat, out at sea, and trying to talk about your life on land. It's so far gone you don't even remember. Maybe one day you'll get to land again, but for a while you're here.

Anyways.

Today I want to write about what has been my "boat" for the last six months; this tiny man.

If there's one theme to the last six months it's been this: going with my gut and following my heart. At times this meant swimming upstream and tuning out basically everyone in the world around me. It was hard, but it has been so worth it, and I think our family is better because of it.

The truth is that before Finn was born I didn't really have any idea about raising a baby, no one does really unless you've done it before. I had a basic gist about their needs and breastfeeding and baby care, but not really any idea how to manage their temperament and how to get them to sleep and make them happy.

So this was what the first three months of Finns life were like:

From birth he was pretty fussy. He nursed for 45 minutes every 1.5-2 hours. To convince him to sleep we had to swaddle him, give him his binky (force it into his mouth repeatedly) and bounce him vigorously. He fought and screamed and cried constantly. This process usually took between 15-40 minutes. Since he couldn't stay awake for longer than an hour and a half, these thing sucked up the majority of our lives. I can count on one hand how many times I've left him with a babysitter.

He has never slept through the night to this day. From 1-2 months he only woke up 2 or 3 times a night but as he got a little older he started waking up more frequently to the point where at five months he was waking up 4, 5, 6 times a night.

On top of all that, he was a pretty discontent baby. He would never just relax or chill out (I thought this was normal for all babies until I met my nephew, Korben!), he wanted to be constantly stimulated and engaged, but after ten minutes or so you needed to mix it up.

Can you hear the exhaustion in my voice?

I reached the end of my rope several times a day. I was beside myself, I didn't know what we were doing wrong or how to fix it, and I was so sad because I just wanted him to be happy. I read everything I could find about helping your baby sleep, but a lot of the stuff I read made me uncomfortable and didn't seem right for my son.

After reading Dr. Sears article about high need babies we decided that this described Finn pretty well. And at that point (I think he was about 3 months old) Charlie and I made the decision to change how we had been handling him. We decided to press into our son because he obviously needed us. Just like everyone else in the world, he needed understanding, grace, patience, and persistence. We decided to stop wishing he would sleep through the night like so-and-so's baby, stop wishing that he would be more content and not demand our attention every second, and stop getting so frustrated with him. We made a commitment to support each other more and communicate to each other when we were at the end of our rope so the other parent could help out. We decided to just accept him where he was.

This really didn't change Finns behavior at all, but it changed our perspective. Instead of constantly feeling like a horrible mom and trying to find ways to "fix" him, I just accepted that Finn is the way he is. Instead of worrying every time he woke up in the middle of the night that we were messing up his sleeping habits for life, I just gave him love and patience and extra cuddles (of course I still had my moments of impatience). I use to try to multi task while taking care of him, which left me frustrated when I couldn't accomplish what I was trying to do, and instead just stopped what I was doing to give him my undivided attention. I stopped talking to anyone about Finns behavior because I knew their advice would only discourage me and revert me back to my place of frustration, because truthfully, people don't really understand HNB (I learned this the hard way after letting slip at the chiropractor about how Finn doesn't sleep well at night. After twenty minutes and a "You gotta get him to stop manipulating you" speech later, I swore I would never make that mistake again).

Eventually Finn came around to everything in his own time. He wouldn't sleep in his own bed until he was 3 months old, but now he loves it. He use to need to nurse back to sleep in the middle of the night (yes that means sometimes I had to nurse 5+ times a night), but now he will go back down with some comforting. He use to not be able to fall asleep on his own, but we are currently in the process of teaching him to do that and he is doing SO GREAT! I use to think he would never be okay with a babysitter, but he is perfectly content with strangers. All in all, he has become a super happy baby. He is strong willed, always wants to be engaged, and constantly active, but I really think that we're seeing the fruit of our labor with him. I truly believe that it is because we were patient and let him do things in his own time, instead of forcing things on him. I'm so glad that we listened to his needs and met them, that we never tried to fit him into a box of what he was "supposed" to be doing. Because now I feel that we have won his trust. That he feel so safe and secure with us that he is independent and happy, and he knows that we will always meet his needs.

If you have a chill baby who sleeps through the night and laughs at your silly faces, then you probably have no idea of what I'm talking about. But if you are the parent of a high need or fussy baby, I hope this post can give you some inspiration and hope. You're not doing anything wrong and there's nothing wrong with your baby. Let them lead you, listen to their needs and accept them where they are, and eventually they will grow.

Goodbye, 2013.

I keep forgetting that it's New Years Eve. I've never been big into holidays except for Valentines Day and occasionally Christmas. Christmas had been hard the last few years but this year it was exciting again, being the first one as a family.

Today I had some alone time and someone had just wished me a "Happy New Years Eve!" so it was on my mind, the last year. Every year brings a lot of "change" and "amazing things" but getting married and having a baby are especially high on the charts, both of which I did. As I started to compose a Facebook post to add to the lot about what a great year it's been, I felt like a fraud. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. And not to say that marrying Charlie and having Finn aren't blessings, because of course they are, but I think a lot of that joy will be reaped in later years. This year we had to sow.

The truth is that it's hard to get married and have a baby three months later. Especially a high need, fussy baby like Finnegan (he has mellowed out GREATLY PTL!). But the first three months of his life contained some of the most challenging moments of mine. Going through a horrible labor, postpartum anxiety and insomnia, nursing problems, thrush, sleeping problems… And then after that a hoard of personal and financial problems for us… which spiraled Charlie into a depression… which caused our marriage to snowball into a dark place. You get the idea. While all of this is going on I've also been dealing with serious family problems including having my brother arrested and going to the hospital with both my parents. There is so much to process and heal from that has occurred this year.

But one thing that is standing out to me is this, and it may sound silly, but I realize that I became a woman this year.

Here I was, thinking I already was when I realize nope, at this time last year I was still a girl. There were times this year when things were so stressful I wanted to throw in the towel and give up but instead have persisted for my family. When I've actually turned to others and God for guidance and help instead of trying to muscle through everything on my own. And that doesn't even touch on the sacrifices that I've made in becoming a mother.

All of these things have collectively grown me and aged me. In a good way, I think. And not because of my own will, but because I have searched and sought out God through everything. Not once did I blame him like I had in the past, not once did I hide from him out of shame. But instead I knew that he was the answer, and at times he was my only hope, the only one not disappointing me.

Thank you, Lord, for walking with me through every step of this year. Thank you for your faithfulness and your unwavering strength. I am so thankful that you have a will and purpose for my life. I know that you will bring healing to the broken parts of my life and work them out for my good, just as you have every hardship that I faced this year. Help me to keep my sights set on heavenly things, not fleeting, earthly concerns. Help me to remain faithful to honor you, my husband, and my son.

Five months.

I can't believe our little bear is five months old today. Blessed are the people who tell you over and over how fast it goes, because it really does and you better soak it up. Sometimes I look at Finn while he's sitting up in his high chair eating big boy food and think 'Weren't you just a newborn?' Yet at the same time, I can't for the life of me remember what he looked like then.

Some of his favorite things recently are…

-Food! He has only been getting baby food for the last few days, but  now whenever he is in his high chair and we have food he wants it. Like really wants it. So far he is getting sweet potatoes, carrots, applesauce, and bananas.

-Napping. This kid gets a little more awesome everyday. He has finally started napping better, the last thing to go is the night time sleep! He still wakes up at least 3 times a night (but usually more like 5!)

-Playing with his toes.

-Saying "Ba ba ba ba ba" with a very serious tone, it really sounds like he is talking to someone.

-His new exersaucer that we got him for Christmas (and of course gave to him early)

-Scooching around the living room on his belly, he will probably be crawling in no time.

-Riding in his stroller like a big boy, this kid loves to shop!

And his least favorite thing this month has been his two bottom teeth coming in. We can see and feel the little bumps but aren't sure when they are finally going to break through!

Somewhere along the line.

After carrying you for 9+ months and delivering you for 35 hours

Through the nights when you would rather be up than soaking up sleep

While trying understand your ever pressing needs that I don't seem to understand

And helping you explore the world in my arms.

Somewhere along the line

When I lay you down to sleep

and there are sweet potatoes on the floor

and in my hair

and on my sheets

and my back is sore

and you are properly covered in kisses

you made a mom out of me.