I have been dying to get this off my chest.

I'm just going to go out on a limb and say this...

The way women treat their bodies is wrong.

Yes, I blame the American culture, advertising, men, women, the media, your mom, and your ex boyfriend. But ultimately, I do hold you accountable for changing this. I hold myself accountable, I hold women everywhere accountable for how they view, think about, speak about, and treat their bodies. (I am speaking in general terms. If you are one of the few women who have been enlightened and treat yourself with respect, then praise to you.)

It starts with: how we think

Women are beautiful, kind, and they smell good. You may not realize this until you get married. The world needs us. But the world has also exploited that need and is attempting to manipulate us into thinking that we must be the most beautiful, kindest, and good smelling woman on this earth. You see Vanessa Hudgens? Yah, you need to be like her. Good luck. Here are 12 steps on Pinterest that I found to get you there.

But as much as we color, straighten, whiten, tone, tan, and try to transform ourselves into Vanessa Hudgens, we never do. Are we still beautiful, kind, and good smelling? Yep. But we don't really think so because... well... she's so much better. So we carry around a burden of inferiority and self consciousness our entire lives. We hate when there are "pretty girls" (you know, the ones with straight blonde hair) around, we hate taking our boyfriends to the beach where the in shape girls play volleyball, we never feel good enough. And in reality, we can't even see ourselves anymore. All we see is a scale of how we measure up to that other girl. 'Well her skin is a lot better than mine but my teeth are straighter..." We're paranoid. What do we think is going to happen if we're not the best smelling in the room? I don't know, but it sure is awful to think about.

We have no idea how beautiful we actually are. How our family, husbands, kids, and friends see us. I can tell you right now that not a single one of my girl friends is ugly, but I'm sure if you asked them, they would disagree. We automatically asume that our husbands would be happier with that skinner girl over there, she is so beautiful.


Do you hear all of this? I'm sure most of you are agreeing in your head. I'm telling you that this is insane.

This insane thought process is perpetuated when: we speak

To our girlfriends, our moms, our husbands. The words "discontent" and "unsatisfied" are the first that come to mind. But you know what this does? This creates a world where women are judged based on their appearance. This speech is what fuels the media and advertising agencies. They hear us scrutinizing ourselves, they see our dissatisfaction, and they jump on it. Imagine a world where each woman had confidence and respect for herself, we would laugh at ridiculous advertisements. But by proclaiming that we're ashamed, by stating that we're not pretty enough, by complaining about how we look. The rest of the world is just following suit.

This all comes together in: how we treat ourselves

So we've been carrying around this burden our entire life. And it is heavy. We have completely stripped ourselves from confidence, pride, self assuredness, and peace. We have proclaimed it to the world and they are proclaiming it back to us. Our bodies, which were once a beautiful, living, breathing masterpiece, have been reduced to a shell which we try to spruce up, paint over, cover up, and make excuses for.

If we really viewed our bodies as a source of life, to be protected, loved, and respected, then we would remain objective about how we treated it. We would eat healthy, because that's what makes the most sense in caring for something. We would listen to our bodies, we would spend more time outside, exercising, and doing what our body craves. It's like taking care of a child or an animal. How you take care of it has nothing to do with what it looks like or how well it performs. You give it healthy food because that's what is best for it! You take it outside to the park because that's what it enjoys!

But we don't treat our own bodies that way. We base everything on our appearance. We think we are fat so we either eat out of sadness or drag our butts to the gym, we lay in the sun to get tan, a lot of us even go to extremes to change our appearance at the sacrifice of our health such as laying in tanning beds, using treatments that are loaded with chemicals, or having botox or plastic surgery. 

It makes me incredibly sad when I see women who are hurting, defeated, and carrying around this heavy burden that their appearance is not good enough. When I watched the Dove sketch video, I cried. It is so incredibly sad that this is the norm. I know my mom and my sister have the same esteem in those videos, and I wish I could make everyone realize how beautiful they are, but even further than that, that how wonderful of a person they are doesn't have anything to do with their appearance.

This can be changed with: you.

During my pregnancy I have become extremely convicted of my poor body image and self esteem. A few months ago I had the epiphany that to change the world, I simply had to be a spark. If I want men and the media to stop treating women as objects, I have to stop treating myself like an object.

So how do I do that? I make an effort everyday to view myself as more than a shell. To remind myself that my appearance is not the most important thing about me. I have tried to change my view of my body from that of something that needs to be "dealt with" to a living, thriving, piece of God's creation that should be respected and loved. When I do feel bad about my body, I keep the thoughts to myself, knowing that what I'm feeling is mostly hormonal and emotional, not how I truly feel. I make an effort to never talk negatively, but positively about my body in front of my husband, friends, other women, and especially other pregnant women. When my husband compliments me, instead of "correcting" him (because sometimes I think he needs to get his vision checked), I graciously accept. I know he isn't lying about the way he see's me, who am I to tell him he is wrong? I am letting go of the expectation that I have to have some miraculous "recovery" or bounce back after my baby is born. My body needs love and nurturing, not a deadline.

My goal in doing all of this is to encourage other women to do the same. You do not have anything to  prove to the world, or anyone. Remove all expectations from yourself and give your body the love it deserves. Your body is nothing to hate, your body is nothing to complain about, your body is a magnificent tool.

Settling.

Transitioning is never easy... but I never thought settling would be this challenging. The last two years and eight months of my life have been spent going through transition after transition.

I moved from Canada back in with my parents (decided, packed, and executed in two days), I got divorced, I joined a church, I started dating, I got kicked out of said church for dating, I went through depression, I started working a real job for the first time in years, I started community college, I started a business with my boyfriend, I joined a new church, I started counseling, I moved, I quit my job, I got accepted into a university, I moved again, I got a new job, Charlie and I got engaged, I got pregnant, I got fired, we got married, I moved to Seattle.

Pretty much nothing (with the exception of Charlie) stayed the same for longer than six months. But here I am, and though I am about to have a baby in less than two months and go through THE BIGGEST transition yet, my life is finally starting to settle. Or is it? There are still so many things that are changing. We are looking for a church, I am planning on finishing my personal trainer certification after the baby is born, Charlie is trying to figure out if he should take a different career path (or yet, an additional one), we are praying about where/what God wants us to go/do after he graduates. But I guess that is getting a little ahead of ourselves...

But something that I've known about myself for a long time, the thing that made it so hard for me to let go and trust God about staying home with our baby, was that I thrive on the transition and the stress. It was so exhausting balancing full time school, work, our business, church, friends, boyfriend... but I was too busy to have the energy to hate it. It occupied me, it distracted me. I never had to sit still and think about my life.

The stillness kills me.

The stillness makes me day dream about a better life in which I eat perfectly and workout with ease and never have trouble getting me and baby out of the house and Charlie and I are a part of a small group of other young couples who love and support us. And we serve and make a difference and use our talents for the greater good, and we save for a house and we live frugally. The stillness makes me obsess over all the things I don't have, over all the things I'm not. And I spend more time obsessing than I actually spend doing. And I fall into this pit of self loathing where I stop eating healthy and exercising and I spend money on things I don't need and most importantly... I don't pray about how I'm feeling.

And so I ask God to forgive me and I ask Charlie to forgive me. And I pray that the stillness wont be so bad this week because I just can't take it. I pray that I will use this time and opportunity for good and not just fantasizing about the good.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 
For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh,  in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.  
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.  
For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.  For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. 
Those who are in the flesh cannot please God."

Romans 8:1-8

Where have I been? Part One.

I miss blogging. But so much has happened in the last two months that I don't even know where to begin to catch you back up to speed and get into the routine of normal posting again. But, I will try. This is a story of letting go and taking a leap of faith into God's plan for you. And honestly, it was probably my first time ever. I'm going to write this in sections for the sake of... well, everyone.

The accident

The real reason I have put off blogging about life for so long is because of this. I apologize if I am brief but I am still very traumatized by what happened and don't feel like reliving it.

On March 1st we found out that our baby was a boy. We had been dyyyying for this ultrasound and were so content when we finally knew that we were having a son. The next day we had a very full day and ended it with an exhausted and bleery eyed trip through Target, where we spontaneously decided to buy the baby's car seat. It was our first real purchase. We came home and excitedly told my mom about our purchase. We were exhausted, so we got ready for bed. We were laying there (both on our phones I'm sure), when I heard a crash upstairs, like someone dropped something heavy. I didn't think anything of it. About 5-10 minutes later my brother knocked on my door and told us that my mom had done something to her face, that she was bleeding and wanted to be driven to the hospital, but he had been drinking so he couldn't. We both got up as my mom was coming inside from the back yard, it was then that we realized the severity of the situation.

My mom had been on our back deck (one story above the ground), when she got up, she slipped and fell into the railing. It collapsed and she fell onto it on the grass below. She had a major gash (which we later deduced must have been caused by a nail) that started on the side of her head, went onto her forehead, across the bridge of her nose and ended on her cheek. The inner corner of her tear duct was also cut. The next ten hours were some of the most traumatizing I've ever experienced in my life, so I'm going to fast forward... My mom and I had rode in the ambulance to Harborview, and she was finally about to go into surgery with their plastic surgeon and ophthalmologist. Finally that afternoon she was out of surgery and we were relieved to know that her eye was in tact and would function normally (aside from her tear duct) and that she had no other major injuries.

At this point I had been up for two days and at my mom's side since we left the house in the ambulance the night before. But I was so emotionally overwhelmed that I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes it was all I could think about. Every time I left my moms side I worried about her constantly. The next day we brought her back to my Grandma's house, which we all decided would be the best place for her to recover and receive constant care. We spent the next week napping, watching movies and eating good food until she felt well enough to start getting around and out.

It was on that first or second day at my grandma's that Charlie and I shared a moment. I had been leaning on him so hard and he had been doing his best to hold me together. After taking a few days off of school to recoup with us it was finally his time to go back to Seattle. I looked at him and said something along the lines of, "I don't want us to have to be apart anymore." He looked back at me and agreed, and for the first time I could really see his pain in us not being married. We were both ready.

You have a choice.

A while back we were asked to photograph something for some long time friends (I'm going to be vague here because they are our friends and we love them). While we were eager to meet their needs as photographers, we could tell that they were less concerned with our work, and more concerned with finding someone to get the job done and hopefully treat it as a "favor" (since, ya know, we're friends).

We love taking photos and we certainly don't mind helping out our friends, we have had a lot of friends give us free stuff over the years. But usually this type of request is accompanied by an admiration and appreciate of our work. Or of high quality photography in general.  But I could tell our friends didn't really care that much. We offered them the service at a minuscule fee, but they even considered that too high.

At this point, I was forced to make a decision. Let's talk about the two biggest factors that played a part.

1. My feelings.

And no, these aren't in the same category as pregnancy hormones. This is not the first time I have felt insulted by someone who undervalued my work and my time. I was a little peeved that they could not be grateful for the wonderful deal we were offering them, and I knew that stemmed from the lack of respect they had for what we do. The emotional part of me wanted to make a statement of defense and recoil my offer to show them how rude they were being.

2. The greater good.

But just because these people are my friends, I couldn't expect them to automatically have an appreciation for photography or an understanding of the work that goes into it. I know that a lot of people who initially have doubts about high end photography are cured in the aftermath. Once they've received their wedding photos the bill seems a lot less important.  I knew that I had an opportunity to convert these people into photography appreciators, for lack of a better term. We could be professionals and show them why we charge what we do.

Now I'm not advocating that you work with anyone who undervalues you just to prove them wrong, you can lose a lot that way. But every situation is different, and sometimes it might be more valuable to overcome what you're feeling in the name of the greater good and your friendships.

Things that drive me crazy on Pinterest.

1. These super common quotes that say...
"First we had each other, then we had you, now we have everything." Way to teach your kids where to put all their hope and security in life.

and

"All you need is love." Because that's crap.

2. Useless money saving tips like "How to make your own dryer sheets, this will save you a ton of money!". Really? Maybe it's been a while but how much are dryer sheets running these days?

3. Photo's of people holding frames in front of themselves or signs in their wedding pictures/professional portraits that say things like "She said yes!". Let your photo speak for itself. We can tell that you are engaged. Why are you holding a frame in your photo? Aren't you going to put it in a frame?

More than a lily.

The last time I blogged was on Valentines Day. Later that day, one of my two bosses (the nice one) came in to tell me that the other (the mean one) had decided to fire me. I hadn't spoken more than a few words to the mean boss in weeks (we work in different cities) so it came as quite a surprise to me, but a pleasant one none the less.

You see, I had actually been praying that God would provide me a way out of this job. It was really stressful for me to work for such a tyrant, so much so that my heart rate jumped anytime I got a text or e-mail from him, I was so worried it would be in ALL CAPS! For the last few months I have been trying to work on loosening the tight grip I have on my plans and circumstances, and to be patient and wait for God's timing. My past has a pattern of making huge decisions based on my emotions and what I think is "right", and I am ready to happily give that burden over to my heavenly Father. I prayed and prayed about leaving this job, but I knew that it wasn't the right time to quit, so I kept waiting. I was relieved when my boss finally let me go.

In the mean time I am applying for other jobs and collecting some money from unemployment and our business to pay my bills. Luckily I don't have too many so my stress is low. I have a lot to do for our business for now and I am keeping plenty busy.

A lot of people (okay, everyone) has asked me what mine and Charlie's plans are. I know what they mean, he is living in Seattle and going to school, I am living with my parents in Shelton, what's our plan?! But the truth is that is also something we're praying about. After we found out we were expecting, we set a wedding date for January. But after talking to our pastor and our counselor about it, they helped us see that we were merely reacting and that we had backed ourselves into a corner and getting married was the only solution. But now we are taking our time, we are going through pre-marital counseling and asking God to prepare our hearts for becoming a family. We are content with answering "We don't know", because we trust that God does know.

I think I needed losing my job to reassure me that God is listening. He is faithful and he does hear the desires of my heart. I can rest in that.

"Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. 
Of how much more value are you than the birds!
And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?
Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!
And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried.
For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you."

Luke 12: 24-31

17/40

A quick update.

I bought maternity clothes yesterday at H&M. I have been feeling so uncomfortable in my clothes the last week or so, it's nice to have some more stretchy stuff. I also had the first stranger approach me to ask if I was pregnant, which is the first time someone who didn't already know was able to tell. Woot.

I eat Subway about everyday of the week, almost everything else upsets my stomach. But this baby loves it's sandwiches. Which is why I'm convinced it's going to be a boy, sandwiches are like Charlie's favorite food.

I had a good three week stretch with no throwing up, but that ended this morning. Happy Valentines Day!

In 15 days we have our ultrasound and will hopefully get to know the sex. We're finally both at the point where we're so excited that we don't even have a preference as to whether it's a boy or girl, it's going to be our baby!