Goodbye, 2013.

I keep forgetting that it's New Years Eve. I've never been big into holidays except for Valentines Day and occasionally Christmas. Christmas had been hard the last few years but this year it was exciting again, being the first one as a family.

Today I had some alone time and someone had just wished me a "Happy New Years Eve!" so it was on my mind, the last year. Every year brings a lot of "change" and "amazing things" but getting married and having a baby are especially high on the charts, both of which I did. As I started to compose a Facebook post to add to the lot about what a great year it's been, I felt like a fraud. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. And not to say that marrying Charlie and having Finn aren't blessings, because of course they are, but I think a lot of that joy will be reaped in later years. This year we had to sow.

The truth is that it's hard to get married and have a baby three months later. Especially a high need, fussy baby like Finnegan (he has mellowed out GREATLY PTL!). But the first three months of his life contained some of the most challenging moments of mine. Going through a horrible labor, postpartum anxiety and insomnia, nursing problems, thrush, sleeping problems… And then after that a hoard of personal and financial problems for us… which spiraled Charlie into a depression… which caused our marriage to snowball into a dark place. You get the idea. While all of this is going on I've also been dealing with serious family problems including having my brother arrested and going to the hospital with both my parents. There is so much to process and heal from that has occurred this year.

But one thing that is standing out to me is this, and it may sound silly, but I realize that I became a woman this year.

Here I was, thinking I already was when I realize nope, at this time last year I was still a girl. There were times this year when things were so stressful I wanted to throw in the towel and give up but instead have persisted for my family. When I've actually turned to others and God for guidance and help instead of trying to muscle through everything on my own. And that doesn't even touch on the sacrifices that I've made in becoming a mother.

All of these things have collectively grown me and aged me. In a good way, I think. And not because of my own will, but because I have searched and sought out God through everything. Not once did I blame him like I had in the past, not once did I hide from him out of shame. But instead I knew that he was the answer, and at times he was my only hope, the only one not disappointing me.

Thank you, Lord, for walking with me through every step of this year. Thank you for your faithfulness and your unwavering strength. I am so thankful that you have a will and purpose for my life. I know that you will bring healing to the broken parts of my life and work them out for my good, just as you have every hardship that I faced this year. Help me to keep my sights set on heavenly things, not fleeting, earthly concerns. Help me to remain faithful to honor you, my husband, and my son.

Five months.

I can't believe our little bear is five months old today. Blessed are the people who tell you over and over how fast it goes, because it really does and you better soak it up. Sometimes I look at Finn while he's sitting up in his high chair eating big boy food and think 'Weren't you just a newborn?' Yet at the same time, I can't for the life of me remember what he looked like then.

Some of his favorite things recently are…

-Food! He has only been getting baby food for the last few days, but  now whenever he is in his high chair and we have food he wants it. Like really wants it. So far he is getting sweet potatoes, carrots, applesauce, and bananas.

-Napping. This kid gets a little more awesome everyday. He has finally started napping better, the last thing to go is the night time sleep! He still wakes up at least 3 times a night (but usually more like 5!)

-Playing with his toes.

-Saying "Ba ba ba ba ba" with a very serious tone, it really sounds like he is talking to someone.

-His new exersaucer that we got him for Christmas (and of course gave to him early)

-Scooching around the living room on his belly, he will probably be crawling in no time.

-Riding in his stroller like a big boy, this kid loves to shop!

And his least favorite thing this month has been his two bottom teeth coming in. We can see and feel the little bumps but aren't sure when they are finally going to break through!

Somewhere along the line.

After carrying you for 9+ months and delivering you for 35 hours

Through the nights when you would rather be up than soaking up sleep

While trying understand your ever pressing needs that I don't seem to understand

And helping you explore the world in my arms.

Somewhere along the line

When I lay you down to sleep

and there are sweet potatoes on the floor

and in my hair

and on my sheets

and my back is sore

and you are properly covered in kisses

you made a mom out of me.